Grand Design

Sometimes life just doesn't make sense. Try as we may to understand and plan for it, we are not in control of the Grand Design of our lives. Proverbs 20:24 says 'how can we understand the road we travel? It is the LORD who directs our steps.' And Proverbs 19:21, 'you can make many plans, but the LORD's purpose will prevail.' For those who do not love the one true God such a statement may seem constricting and harsh. But for those who follow after God and learn to love Him and be loved by Him it is a freeing and liberating reminder. I want to share a song with you that expresses the comfort of giving up control. The title is simple, 'Grand Design', written by Jill Phillips.


'I knew it all along that this day was coming
Even though I knew it doesn’t hurt any less
But somehow the suffering draws me to You
I could start running in anger
But then what’s the point of a Savior

I feel the pain but it still doesn’t change who You are
Nothing I feel is outside of the reach of Your arms
My whole world could crumble but all of the pieces remain
In Your hands that are waiting to put them together again

Just like I know You will in Your own time, in Your own wisdom
One day I’ll look back and see the grand design
Maybe it will make sense then, these questions I have
But with it all here front and center
Sometimes it’s hard to remember

I could start running in anger
But then what’s the point of a Savior'

Nothing I feel is outside of the reach of His arms. I feel the pain, but it still doesn't change who He is. Wow.

Two Face

"Within my earthly temple there's a crowd:
There's one of us that's humble, one that's proud,
there's one that's brokenhearted for her sins,
an one that unrepentant sits and grins.
There's one that loves her neighbor as herself,
and one that cares for naught but fame and self
From such perplexing care I would be free
If I could once determine which is me."

~Author unknown

The Whole Armor of God

I've been reading the book of Ephesians to better follow our current sermon series at church. I reached the last chapter today, about putting on the whole armor of God, and something came to me. There are six parts to the armor: the belt of truth, the body armor of righteousness, the shoes of peace (to bring Good News), the shield of faith, the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the Spirit (the Word of God). As I thought about each of these I realized each one is given to me. I have not created them myself, nor do they come from within me. They are given to me as gifts from God the Father, intended for me to put on and wear. I find it comforting to know that, once again, I can rely on One greater than myself to clothe and prepare me for all things, not only material but spiritual as well.

Hope

I'm told I worry a great deal and tend to carry the weight of the problems around me, and I know there's some truth to that. A feeling of helplessness and sadness came over me yesterday as I thought about how difficult life can be. Not just for myself, but every one of us.

My mind is my own worst enemy most of the time and it had gotten me once again. Aren't those the most frustrating times? Battling back and forth between cognitively knowing the hope I have in Christ and the joy that belongs to me as his child, and the overwhelming power of my emotions pulling me toward the cares of this world. It's exhausting and can often leave me feeling defeated.

Despite feeling defeated I knew I needed to work on preparing the music for this coming Sunday's worship service at my church. Our worship leader is out of town and it is my responsibility for the week. I had a few songs in mind so I pulled all my music out and started listening to songs and watching DVDs. Before too long I found myself worshipping God all alone in my apartment (in a closet actually, long story), wholeheartedly singing songs like 'My Redeemer Lives', 'He Has Made Me Glad', 'Hear our Praises', and 'Lord Most High' to name a few.

There's a reason God created us to worship, and that's to give Him all the glory, reverence, and honor He deserves. By singing or speaking of his attributes and his truth he is given the highest place in our hearts. The great side-effect of worship though is that God Almighty rewards us in turn with renewed hope and strength.

So I'm learning that before, during, and after all else fails...worship.

"O my Strength, to you I sing praises, for you, O God, are my refuge, the God who shows me unfailing love." ~Psalm 59:17

"I will sacrifice a voluntary offering to you; I will praise your name, O Lord, for it is good." ~Psalm 54:6

If only I were a bird

"So I tell you, don't worry about everyday life-whether you have enough food, drink, and clothes. Doesn't life consist of more than food and clothing? Look at the birds. They don't need to plant or harvest or put food in barns because your heavenly Father feeds them. And you are far more valuable to him than they are. Can all your worries add a single moment to your life? Of course not." ~Matthew 6:25-27

This verse came to mind today when I spotted a bird gliding its way around trees and rooftops. I thought what an easy life it must be to be a bird, and in fact any animal or even a tree. There are no big decisions to be made. No real worries about what to do next, what to eat, or where to go. They probably never get bored. They certainly do not have to battle against sin and doing the right thing. Yeah, I know I'd like that kind of life.

But yet, Jesus says I am more valuable to Him than that bird. Okay. Except that today I'm thinking that if I am so valuable God, couldn't you have made my life as simple as the bird's life?

That is more of a rhetorical question folks. I know better and I can give myself all the right answers in fact. But sometimes I have questions, and I bet you do too.

As the song says, 'life goes on'. And as it does I keep learning how to trust my Provider for all the big and small things alike.
Jehovah Jireh!

Since when do we call the shots?

"I believe more in heaven. Because there is hope in heaven and there is no hope in hell." These are the words of a Chicagoan recently interviewed by the Chicago Sun-Times for an article on religion, heaven and hell. I read this article during a break at work and later found myself in an interesting conversation with two of my co-workers, one Catholic and one Muslim. The three of us agreed that both heaven and hell must exist, although I was the only one truly believing 'good' people could end up in the latter.

What struck me most about this article was the use of individualistic and opinionated language. 'I think', 'I believe', 'I was taught', etc. We ask someone whether or not they believe in heaven and hell, but does their opinion matter? If I choose to believe in heaven rather than hell, will hell cease to exist? If I dislike the rain, can I pretend it isn't touching me and watch it disappear? I suppose I could, but those watching me would have some questions about my sanity and I would still end up wet. The laws of nature, morality, and spirituality are not up to me. They were decided long ago.

Two more things: 1) I am amazed at Satan's ability to deceive. By preying on the goodness of mankind he has helped twist the truth so far that we can convince ourselves some things do not exist. 2) When did everything become about us?

Although I do not agree with Catholicism in many respects, my congratulations go to Cardinal Francis George for his comments in the Sun-Times article. He hit the nail on the head when he said that "religion is about conversion, self-surrender as opposed to self-righteousness. That's hard in any culture but particularly our own."

Yes, I realize it's been a LONG while since I posted any thoughts. I really should return to this more often. I am certainly not lacking for material what with all the work my brain cells get in graduate school.

The last several months I have felt increasingly weighed down by the brokenness in our world. Whether it hits close to home or far away it seems my heart is sensitive just the same. People are hurting. I mean really hurting. Death, disease, addiction, divorce, adultery, lying, stealing, corruption, apathy, despair, hunger, poverty, and murder. These are just a few words that come to mind and as I've just typed them my question is this: am I numb to these words? Do I stop to consider the implications of each of them to someone else's life? Or do I casually express sadness and move on?

I realize we are only human and no amount of sympathy, empathy, or care on my part can turn the world upside down. But it should make me indignant and cause me to ask what in fact is my role? I can cry out to God who became flesh, dwelt among us, and felt our hurts. He did come to turn the world upside down and inside out.

We had communion at church this morning. As I closed my eyes to pray a picture immediately came to mind. I saw Christ standing in front of a crowd of people. Nothing fancy, in fact I was just imagining my own church. And one by one we freely and peacefully knelt before him, felt his touch, and moved forward to stand behind him. Healed and forgiven. The line of those coming to him never ended but no one cared because of the beauty of what was happening.

Lord, I pray for renewed compassion, interest in, and love for your most prized creations: people. I would say especially the hurting, but we're all hurting somehow if we're honest, aren't we?

Feelings...talkin' 'bout feelings

Psalm 33:13-15 says, 'The Lord looks down from heaven and sees the whole human race. From his throne he observes all who live on the earth. He made their hearts, so he understands everything they do.'

Psalm 34: 4-5 makes it clear that God frees of us from all our fears, and that 'no shadow of shame' will darken the faces of those who look to him.

Psalm 37: 7 tells us to 'be still in the presence of the Lord, and wait patiently for him to act.'

These verses have been like running commentaries in my mind the last couple of weeks. Through personal experience these verses have taken up residence in my heart, so I just thought I'd share what I've learned from them.

Number 1: God understands our emotions because he made them. It's easy to miss the importance of such truth in a world where, as Christians, we are often admonished against certain feelings. We call them 'negative'. But if God understands the wiring of our hearts, doesn't he also understand why we short-circuit or blow fuses from time to time? Isn't this for a reason? If I'm having problems with my car do I stare at it, scold it, and continue driving it as is? Of course not, I take it to a trustworthy mechanic who understands its in's and out's and is capable of restoring it. Why then do I so often reprimand myself for my emotions and try to push them aside? Emotions are human, I don't care who you are, they are universal. And if I will only be brave enough to feel them, face them, and take them to the One who created me, he promises to fix me. Like the mechanic, I don't know how long it will take....but he WILL fix it.

Number 2: Healing takes patience and pain. (The suffering of Christ is a great example) Denial of our emotions is often accompanied by a quick-fix mentality. 'God, this hurts, please take it away now,' or 'God, I understand what the problem is and why it hurts, so can we skip to the next lesson now?'. I've come to believe that a great part of being patient for the Lord to act in regards to our emotions means soaking them in. Do you feel pain, joy, sadness, exhaustion? Then let them be what they are. Certainly it may not be fun, but patience brings great reward.

Number 3: These things we call emotions, affects, feelings...whether good or bad...they are always temporary. What a relief!

I want to know...

What inspires you? This is NOT a rhetorical question. The wheels in my mind are turning, and I want to know: what inspires you? So seriously, I'm waiting...

anonymous?

This is driving me crazy....I do not know who the anonymous commenter on my blog is? Care to uncover your mask?

Bruises and Geese

I bruise easily. VERY easily. In fact at this moment I have two nasty spots on my left leg and absolutely no idea where they came from. My Mom recently shared with me that when I was a child she worried about how easily I got hurt without feeling it happen. Other times I know exactly where the bruise comes from: close encounters with the stairs. I'm constantly tripping up and down the stairs.

This isn't rocket science but guess what: bruises are temporary. Hip Hip Hooray! Known or unknown cause a bruise will always heal. Same goes with the bruises life inflicts upon us. Sometimes we feel the blow and remember how it happened. Other times it shows up and we're left with 'where did THIS come from?!' Whatever the situation, just as God created an intricate body capable of renewing itself, he also designed the human soul for healing. But remember, healing implies that one must first feel the pain. Not suppress it, but feel it, and then move forward.

So what's with the geese you might ask? My graduate school campus is in a wooded area thirty minutes north of Chicago. With melting snow and heavy rains we now have good size ponds all over campus. The geese love it. One of my friends actually had to stop on the sidewalk to let them pass last week. My encounter with the geese came this morning as my friend and I were returning to class. We had just reached the top of a large set of stone steps (I made it safely to the top) and there to greet us were five large geese. It took us by surprise but we turned left and continued walking. We only made it a couple of feet before the piercing sound of an angry goose flying inches from our face jolted us backwards!! We laughed so hard!!

Feel the bruises, let them heal, then find yourself some 'geese'.

Hm.

Two things, rather unrelated. I seriously miss writing. I've always found such release in putting my thoughts on paper (or screen as the case may be). But apparently my fears that life would turn busier than ever come January 2007 were on target! It's frustrating just wondering when some free time to write will open up. Perhaps I should search out a free writing club for the summer? There's bound to be one in Chicago. I'd better hurry before the thoughtful writer in me is dried up from the overly stimulating effects of research papers.

In other thoughts, would you be happy with your life if you died today, or tomorrow? What would you leave behind? And what would be waiting for you? These are the questions on my mind the last few days. They've been sobering to say the least. I can't share all the details as I'm still thinking through them myself. Or maybe I'm not ever meant to share them but instead to get you thinking. So here's what I know: I want my life to count. I want my life to be different, unique, and special. Not because I am any of those things, but because my GOD is.

A Few Good Men

The Bible says that David was a man after God's own heart. I wonder what that looked like in real life. What charaterized David's daily life, his routines, his personality? Of others it's been said they were a friend of God. I'm privileged to know a man who fits both those descriptions. And yet, he is likely never to be publicly recognized, much less remembered by historians.

This morning I asked him how he's spending his time now that he is completely retired. His answer? 'With God, he's with me all the time'. I was blown away, not only with the answer, but the expression of relief and contentment on his face as he spoke. As if this were what he'd been waiting for all along. Sure, I talk about being with God in heaven with extreme anticipation to the point that I'm labeled strange. But this man speaks with the same excitement for NOW, here on earth.

I asked him, 'Well, what do you do all day? Do you pray, write, read the Bible?'. What does it look like to be with God all day? He said yes to all of the above and finished with 'He wants to be a part of everything we do'. You'd have to have heard his voice to know he was speaking of his best friend. I began thinking of ways to describe this man's relationship with God. And then I realized I couldn't really. I could perhaps define the relationship or give it characteristics. But the heart of such a deep relationship is just that, it's in the heart, and that cannot be explained. It can only be witnessed with wonder.

I wondered later if he ever felt lonely, or different, in trying to relate the journey of his favorite relationship to those of us Christians who are lagging behind and distracted. It must be frustrating at times.

I am challenged, humbled, hopeful, and reminded of my need when I see this man's life. I want to be a friend of God, a woman after his heart, one who says like Moses did, 'God, show me your face.'

Tired

Sometimes life is so exhausting it makes you want to cry. Well, it happens to me anyway. Especially lately.

That's it. I'm just worn out. And it shows no signs of stopping....

WAIT....I'M STILL HERE!!!

I don't know who the anonymous comment was from but I do apologize for being absent from my blogs for so long. I would really like to rectify that.

It's been a really crazy three months for me. You have no idea. Or if you know me well, maybe you do! I don't have time to share all the details of my life, nor do I really want to. So I'll just cut to the chase and get back to blogging, how's that?

Here are two blogs that I actually posted on my myspace account. But I think they're just perfect for Yutakana Seikatsu. Read on...

1
Those of you who know me well, or can appreciate my twisted sense of humor, MIGHT enjoy this...I think they're hilarious! And yes, I'm studying to become a counselor... :-)

Enjoy the following thoughts:

The first step to failure is trying

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

If at first you don't succeed...don't act surprised.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Remember things are never so bad that they can't get worse.

Think about giving it your all today, then think again.

I don't have a solution but I admire the problem

If you think it can't be done....... you know yourself pretty well huh?

You'll always miss 100% of the shots you don't take....and, statistically speaking, 99% of the shots you do

If you can't learn to do something well.... Learn to enjoy doing it poorly.

If we don't take care of the customer....maybe they'll stop bugging us.

It's always darkest before it goes pitch black.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Nobody ever went broke by underestimating the intelligence of the American Public.

The death rate remains 100%! Nobody gets out of this lifetime alive.


Hope everyone feels happy now! Just laugh, you know it's funny. And life's hard as it is. We need to laugh at it.

2
'Faith, hope, and love. The greatest of these is love.' I know that's what 1 Corinthians says, but sometimes hope is what gets you through when love and faith seem absent.

Expecting the impossible. Hoping against hope. Rejoicing when there is no logical reason to. Getting up when life knocks you down. Seeing the silver lining.

I must be crazy to have hope, but I do. Life overwhelms me sometimes, like now, but I refuse to give in. And I know it isn't of my own strength. I serve and love a God who loves me and is faithful like no other. He doesn't have to, but he has proven himself and I know he's with me. My hope is in him and from him.

Tomorrow is another day, a good day. And I have the choice to hope, to love, to have faith. There's more to this life than what I think I know. So I will hope in the One who does know.

Music

There are some artists whose music hits home with me, not because of the music itself, but because of the lyrics. Here are two of them.

BELIEVE ME NOW~~

"I watch you looking out
Across the raging water
So sure your only hope
Lies on the other side
You hear the enemy
That's closing in around you
And I know
That you don't have the strength to fight
But do you have the faith to stand and

Believe me now
Believe me here
Remember all the times I told you loud and clear
I am with you and I am for you
So believe me now
Believe me now

I am the one who waved my hand
And split the ocean
I am the One
Who spoke the words and raised the dead
And I've loved you long before
I set the world in motion
I know all the fears you're feeling now
But do you remember who I am?

Believe it's true
I never have I never will abandon you
And the God that I have always been
I will forever be
So believe me now

I am God
Who never wastes a single hurt
That you endure
My words are true
And all My promises are sure
So believe me now"

MUCH OF YOU~~

"How could I stand here
And watch the sun rise
Follow the mountains
Where they touch the sky
Ponder the vastness
And the depths of the sea
And think for a moment
The point of it all was to make much of me
Cause I'm just a whisper
And You are the thunder and

I want to make much of You, Jesus
I want to make much of Your love
I want to live today to give You the praise
That You alone are so worthy of
I want to make much of Your mercy
I want to make much of Your cross
I give You my life
Take it and let it be used
To make much of You

And how can I kneel here
And think of the cross
The thorns and the whip and the nails and the spear
The infinite cost
To purchase my pardon
And bear all my shame
To think I have anything worth boasting in except for Your name
Cause I am a sinner
And You are the Savior

This is Your love, oh God
Not to make much of me
But to send Your own son
So that we could make much of You
For all eternity"

Makes me think more than twice about how I'm spending the days I'm given.

I'm still here

Hi everyone, I really am still alive and planning on using this blog. I actually got talked in to getting a myspace page a couple months back and have been on there more frequently. But I still want to use this blog!

I'm back in Chicago and glad to be here every day. I've jumped back into working at my church in various ways and am also working part-time at Starbucks (again). The biggest and most exciting news for me is that I will be starting graduate school in January 2007. I will be working on a Master's degree in Counseling Psychology at Trinity Evangelical Divinity School, about 30 minutes north of Chicago. It's time and I'm ready. :-)

I hope things are well in your corner of the world today, and if they aren't, remember you are never alone.

Short-lived job

for the first time in my life i've quit a job after two days. i should feel bad i suppose (and i sort of do when i start to think about money again), but i can't feel bad about this one. things felt a little off since i started there on wednesday, i just couldn't put my finger on it. for one thing, my job pretty much ran the office and that's a lot more than was explained to me in the interview. secondly, today was my third day and not a word had been mentioned to me about medical benefits, vacation, 401k, or filling out W2 forms, etc. thirdly, i found out that over 50% percent of the company's employees have left in the last three years because of the way they were treated by the boss. this morning topped it off and helped me reach my decision to leave. my boss publicly yelled at another employee, and that was my limit. i've got enough experience to see into the future with that one!

so i'm back in the saddle again (not the dating saddle, i still haven't left that one). back on a job hunt. :-( but....thankful i got out of a bad situation early on and that i don't have rent to pay!


hope things are bright in your corner of the world!

Thought

The other day I greeted someone I hadn't seen in a long time with "hey, how's life treatin' ya these days?". As soon as the words spilled off my tongue my mind started asking why we say things that way. Why don't we say 'so, how are you treatin' life these days?'. I know it's force of habit and a desire to be polite, but that doesn't mean we have to use it, does it? Is the way life treats me more important than how I choose to treat it?

Unconscious society

I'm not in the habit of quoting celebrities in a positive way, but this bears repeating. "Americans live like we're unconscious."

Think about it if you need to. I'm afraid this statement hits the mark, and it hits deep. We are an over-entertained, self-gratifying, selfish, lazy, bored society that has been brain-washed into believing that the surface is all that matters, or worse yet, that if it doesn't involve our own immediate comfort it's not worth our time and energy. My own guilt in this sickens me. Am I the only one? Surely not. I know we are not the only nation in the world with such issues, but we've been the leaders. The United States of America: 'one nation, under idols, divided, with slavery and heartache for all.'

Is that too harsh? Too bad.